I’m so hype. Two rich guys (one, a being comprised of 95% pure autism who enjoys fitness and leg day, the other, a child-abandoning unfunny globule of lily white flesh) are going to kill each other.
Okay, technically it’s a cage match, but better men have succumbed to pankration injuries.
Mark Zuckerberg agrees to cage fight with Elon Musk: 'Send Me Location'
Zuckerberg trains in Brazilian jiu-jitsu and recently won a tournament in his weight class in Silicon Valley
I am fully, 100% on Team Zucc.
Sure, the Metaverse was a colossal failure, but at least Mark didn’t purchase a platform motivated entirely by a desire to be popular. And I fully support Meta’s move to block news sharing in Canada in response to Justin Trudeau’s latest egomaniacal upset.
One of the most positive developments of e-culture in the past five, six years has been the IRL drubbing of online opponents.
Internet slap fights ascended from ring-lit basements to the lit rings of the O2. Your uncle who works at Nintendo cannot protect you if you can’t protect your own triple chin.
Wings of Redemption missed his chance to kill the world’s sloppiest King Hippo cosplayer Boogie2988 a few months ago, and I still thirst for blood.
I’m Canadian.
Every winter, we yearn for blood. Leafs fans finally got to see Auston Matthews attempt a scrap this year — Bunting must’ve finally took him to Scarborough (home to the worst movie of all time, Things).
(And then GARY screws us over EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.)
Where was I?
Oh yeah, billionaire tech nerds.
In one corner (do cages have corners? I only watch ancient Mike Tyson bouts) we have the God-fearing Zucc and in the other, the blasphemous Elon Musk who has long since abandoned his family’s Anglican morals. He kept his family’s money, though. A modern David and Goliath.
Meanwhile, alleged rapist and Tumblr poet Andrew Tate has volunteered to teach Elon Musk how to rape women and dodge taxes punch men. (Elon already knows how to dodge taxes).
Better men have died in the ring before.
Please, Zucc. You’ve come back to God. Give the Torah a chance — there’s a smidgeon difference between killing and murder. Do it for us.
PS/Edit:
Benzodiazepines are a very dangerous class of drugs that should be controlled more strictly.